So now we’re in our 50’s

Looking back over old posts, conclusion: I was a bit obsessed with housework. Was I afeart someone would actually read my blog and judge me? How very narcissistic. And that secret blog I talked about, well I might be interested in reading what I felt the need to keep secret, but a secret it will remain as I haven’t a scooby where it is or how to access it. I did however, after 6 years? Get my password right first go to get into this (note to narcissistic self: I don’t think hackers are going to be rushing to break into your blog).

Thought I’d be more emotional reading the sad stuff, but life is much more devious than that. It hits you when you are going about your day, thinking that you’re doing okay then BAM! You’ve just been putting on a front and the plaster is ripped off exposing your lonely, weak, vulnerable, insecure yada yada yada.

Actually it’s very rare that I feel lonely, I like being alone. People who know me are surprised by this, even my oldest son, who is doing a Psychology degree, had me pinned in the extrovert camp. I can get up and talk in front of a room but put in a room of people where I have to mingle and chat takes effort and is quite frankly knackering. What I’m still lonely for and what had me in floods of tears out of nowhere  the other week, is missing that person that I could really be my true self with and share my innermost thoughts with - stuff you don’t even share with your husband.

So.... still a carer, funny how things like being made redundant from a job you thought was the best turns out to be a passport to an even better job. Also with our youngest at uni, we’re getting to concentrate on doing fun stuff more. Last weekend, the look on husbands face was priceless as he jumped into the mosh pit at a gig we were at the Queen margaret union. Not so much reliving our youth as doing the stuff together that we didn’t get round to before the offspring came along.

However as our parental responsibility diminishes, our responsibility to our parents increases. When you’re younger, you can’t wait for the freedom that comes when your children grow up but nobody warns you to be prepared for this stage of life. My mum passed away last year and we all knew that she ran the household and dad didn’t have a clue. Now that I’ve started this train of thought, I realise how selfish I sound, I’m not complaining about having to do stuff though, I thrive on being busy. But I’m fearful of where it’s going and if I’ll be able to handle my dad deteriorating to not recognising me. And here is where I’m being completely honest, at least I love him dearly but I struggle with doing stuff for my mother-in-law who wasn’t always the nicest to me in the past.

Any way I’m not completely not needed by my children, I’m currently being an emotional crutch to my youngest who was having a meltdown about coding he can’t do for a project due in on Monday. His head is out of the sand and we’re only at defcon 3 now that he’s finally tackling it.