I think I'm ready to admit that I have a secret Blog. Well that's maybe a bit cryptic, I have a journal that I have only given my coordinator the details of. Who is my coordinator? He's the minister that C of S has appointed to me to help me discern how I can best serve God. The only thing is I'm eight weeks into it and I feel that I'm going round in circles a bit. C of S are asking if I'm ready to move to the next stage of assessment, which clearly I'm not. However some avenues have opened up, I'm just not quite there yet. One thing is for sure, I'll not be returning to where I was before. In fact I can't because I'm a different person now, not better or worse just different.
The whole thing about life and death and Elaine and why we are so shocked when death happens has got a lot to do with it. I think that it will never get me like that again (maybe ... until the next time). But I'm not going to stand still and wait for it. I'm going to try to serve my purpose, which has got a lot do with sharing the hope that I have with others.
It's not just about getting up, going to work, coming home, eating dinner, watching T.V and going to bed. That's as much as I have worked out so far, so you see I still have a long way to go. I'm kidding, but if you want any more you'll need to find my secret Blog.
Tuesday, November 06, 2007
Thursday, May 31, 2007
Help I need somebody...
...Not just anybody, I need Elaine badly. I had a bit of a rant at my brother's 30th birthday bash at the weekend. Bad timing, I know, but it has been bottled up inside for too long and the lid was lifted by the one or two or three or four drinks. I unleashed my totally selfish, self pitying wails of despair. I've no one to share my inner most feelings with, no one to just be myself with, no one to bounce my thoughts off and be told you're talking crap W. I'm not coping, I know this and bury it deep inside because the only person I would trust & share this level of grief with is gone. How ironic! The knowledge that I'll never be able to sit and talk with her again until I depart this world is just too much. O.K. some people never have this closeness with anybody and I'm grateful of the life that I shared with her, right from birth, we have been so close. But now it's been wrenched from me I just can't handle it. Yes I know that we will meet again, another big advantage that I have... It's not helping me here & now though. Sometimes the 'nicey, niceness' of other Christians can just annoy me too, but I'll cling on to my faith by my fingernails, I am only human and get pissed off just like anybody else. Rant over!
Thursday, April 12, 2007
The great outdoors...
We bought a tent! Older brother was going on about a bargain at Halfords, where you get all the air beds, sleeping bags (and quite importantly the tent). So looks like we will be going camping soon. I hope all the Global warming predictions are true! Childhood memories of rivers bursting banks and creeping up to our groundsheet as caravaners give up and go home keep flashing into my mind. Derek says we should give it a test run at the island on Loch Lomond. My problem with this is of course the lack of facilities. I'm not just talking about lack of shops, restaurants etc but the lack of toilets, running water or electricity of any description. Any way probably won't happen in the May holidays as he is heading down to Kwirkle world for a weekend of men stuff. I'm not going into this with the right attitude am I? Think positive - the great outdoors, starry skies with no light pollution, children free to run themselves into the ground, bbq's & carry outs, (midgy's - how did they get into my positive frame of mind?).... Well we'll see.
Monday, January 15, 2007
Lainey
Having a bad day. For those that have stumbled into my blog and don't know me, Elaine, whom I loved very much died on 21 December 2006. For the most part I've kept myself very busy since then - almost blocking the pain out. Today I'm having a bit of a crash & burn. It's got to happen I suppose. I said I'd do the housework today, (read previous posts to appreciate how much I like that) It hasn't happened. I did token amounts of washing machine loading etc, in between sobs. Mum realised I was down and took me shopping. I wrote a letter to Elaine earlier, someone told me it helps, I don't know if it did. She came to me in a dream last night. I had prayed to God before I went to sleep last night asking to see her in my dreams. It used to comfort me when Nana and Steven were in my dreams after they had died. I remember these dreams very distinctly even after many many years. When I first saw Nana she told me not to be afraid and I was to touch her, she was real. I did and she was solid and then we hugged for ages. Steven and I sat talking for what seemed like all night then he told me he had to go and I watched as he walked up a hill until he disappeared. Last night Elaine sat on my bed, I asked her if it was really her and she said 'yes', all I could do was howl 'Elaine' and she replied 'I know' it was so real that it frightened me and I woke up. I really wish I hadn't woken up I had so much that I wanted to say, that's why I wrote the letter. I did a tribute at her funeral. It was on Friday 5 January. I did the best that I could for Elaine and I received the strength that I needed to get through it from God. Mine & everyone's prime concern in all of this is K & L, however today I'm just feeling sorry for myself.
Elaine Tribute
Elaine, My Aunt, sister, best mate and the person that I turn to at times like this, I really need one of our cuddles, and to talk to you, but I can’t.
Just a few short months ago I stood there, tears of joy falling down my face. Elaine stood here (what’s the polite expression) ‘shaking in her boots?’ But she did it! She gave her testimony and was baptised. She came out of the water and Laura, the proudest girl in the church, held out her mum’s towel to dry her.
For those of you that don’t know, you will have to take my word for it, Elaine is in Heaven & happy.
It is us that are left behind that are in what feels like unbearable pain, made all the more hurtful because Elaine was such a wonderful, loving, lively, fun person. I couldn't wait to be in her company and our partings were always excruciating.
With Elaine you always knew where you stood. She was always there to offer advice; sometimes not what you wanted to hear but usually what you needed to hear and she was totally honest with you. So what would she say to us today?
I received a card with a poem by Lynn New called Remember Me; it may not be how Elaine would put it but the sentiment would be the same.
No pain beyond, no tears, no fear.
No thought of death – for I’m still near.
No hugs I know, nor sweet caress,
But I’m still close to love and bless.
No quiet word, nor gentle touch
But don’t despair – I love you much.
No gesture kind to show I care,
The veil’s drawn, but I’m still there.
Grieve not too long – but look around
In earthly things I shall be found.
A falling leaf, a growing tree,
In every breeze you will find me.
I walk in life; death holds no pain.
Be reassured, we’ll meet again.
What wonderful memories Elaine has left us with.
On a recent shopping trip Elaine spotted a lovely coat that she said would suit me. I didn’t need it and had already spent too much that day, so because Elaine was ever practical and just a bit devious to ease my conscience she bought me the coat (this one actually) and I paid for lunch.
We went on the ‘Make Poverty History’ march round Edinburgh in 2005. So there we were all dressed in white, placards in hand, standing in the massive queue waiting to get started. We only went about 50 yards in an hour so we decided to leave saving the world to the rest of them and we went and had lunch instead. Elaine did like to do the right thing … but there were limits.
One of our favourite things to do was to eat big tubs of ice-cream. Do you see a food theme developing here? We loved our food!
I remember when Elaine and Karl lived in Etwall Street in Derby and we went to the fireworks display on Guy Fawkes Night in Markeaton Park. The only problem was it was so foggy that we could barely see the people in front of us, never mind the fireworks. So because we wouldn’t see each other that Christmas we went home and had a wonderful Christmas dinner with all the trimmings that Elaine had prepared! Although I will admit her cooking has improved ten-fold since then.
The night before Elaine & Karl were married Elaine & I shared a bed at 1 Mundy Street and we drew on each others backs just like we did as children. She has since told me that she tried to get Karl to do it but he wasn’t any good at it as he always wanted to play different games. Apart from the time, when unknown to Elaine he actually got out a marker pen and drew all over her back. Very typical of the way they lived their lives full of fun and mischief.
There were the holidays on Loch Lomond; I remember when Derek’s boat at the time only had room for three in the cabin. Usually Elaine, Christine & I sat in, whilst Derek, Karl & Allan stayed outside. One time, when we were travelling across the Loch, Elaine insisted on staying outside so she swapped places with Allan. About half way across a hail storm started. Elaine got pelted, later she told me it was actually really sore. But at the time we were bent over double laughing at her facial expressions. Luckily Elaine was the type to laugh at herself along with everyone.
Fireworks & karaoke at New Year, oh we loved to sing – badly. Our theme tune was ‘I love you baby and if it’s quite alright I need you baby’ with all my heart that is true today Elaine. She particularly loved to sing hymns at the top of her voice especially the ones that we are singing today. Whilst I was at church last Sunday we sang a hymn that gave me comfort and I’d like to share the last verse with you, (although I’ll spare you more of my singing).
Many that we loved have left us,
Reaching first their journey’s end;
Now they wait to give us welcome-
Brother, sister, child, and friend.
When at last our journey’s over,
And we pass away from sight,
Father, take us through the darkness
Into everlasting light.
Elaine was a very special person to me and I’m sure to you. You will all have your own memories that are in your heart. Holidays in Portugal, weekends away, Visiting Hotel Henderson in Buckhurst Hill. Gordon, this is the second time Elaine has had you in this church she was very chuffed the first time when you came with her. Ian, she recently talked fondly of how you looked out for her when her mum died, she was thankful to have you as a big brother.
I know that Ronnie & Laura were deeply grateful for the strength that Elaine gave them when Helen passed away. And there are others here that are very appreciative of Elaine’s emotional support and practical help in their own personal circumstance. She was a very giving person that made each of us feel that we were extra special to her.
Alan & Dionne grew very close to Elaine, Karl & Laura when they lived in Stevenage especially when baby Ella came along.
Elaine was very attached to lots of you here, through Laura’s school; the church & the hospital. She was very involved in the school as a Governor in charge of child protection, organising fund raising especially the mother’s day event. She told me how much she enjoyed the time you all camped out on the school grounds and it turned into a massive party. In the church she was the Tearfund representative. She was always in among the helpers for special lunches and Kids clubs.
Liz, she would want me to thank you for taking her under your wing. When the Henderson clan first moved to Buckhurst Hill Elaine phoned me and said that there was a toddler group in the church across the road and she was thinking about going. I encouraged her to go and straight away she clicked with you Liz. She would often chat about this charismatic lady and her love for Jesus. We came to realise that it is because Jesus just shines out of you, Liz. I thank the Lord that, through you, Elaine found God. She will know that Karl & Laura can lean on you & Chris.
Karl everyone could see that you and Elaine were soul mates, in fact so in tune with each other that it was almost scary. Elaine told me how much you feel at home at my mum & dad’s, Florette and Allan’s. My mum & I felt a lot better having you and Laura close to us over the past couple of weeks & it goes without saying that we love you very much. We want to, and I don’t doubt that we will, be with you and Laura as much as possible. I know that you are aware of mine & Elaine’s hopes and dreams, there is no reason for them not to become mine and yours now.
Laura you know that mum loves you more than anything and she was so very proud of you and I know that you will continue to make her proud. Your recent maths award was just one example of many that we would happily talk about for hours on the phone. You are her angel and now she is your’s.
In the end it was a hereditary heart disease that took her away from us. And she wanted to stress to everyone that there was nothing she or anyone else could do that was going to change that. Over the past two weeks there have been times where I have thought ‘I wish I said this’ or ‘we always meant to do that’. But there is no need for any of it. I wouldn’t change anything about the time that I had with Elaine.
I miss her terribly already, I feel so lonely, but I will always be her Wendy Tosh and she will always be my Lainey Puddle, with the Princess pinkies.
Elaine Tribute
Elaine, My Aunt, sister, best mate and the person that I turn to at times like this, I really need one of our cuddles, and to talk to you, but I can’t.
Just a few short months ago I stood there, tears of joy falling down my face. Elaine stood here (what’s the polite expression) ‘shaking in her boots?’ But she did it! She gave her testimony and was baptised. She came out of the water and Laura, the proudest girl in the church, held out her mum’s towel to dry her.
For those of you that don’t know, you will have to take my word for it, Elaine is in Heaven & happy.
It is us that are left behind that are in what feels like unbearable pain, made all the more hurtful because Elaine was such a wonderful, loving, lively, fun person. I couldn't wait to be in her company and our partings were always excruciating.
With Elaine you always knew where you stood. She was always there to offer advice; sometimes not what you wanted to hear but usually what you needed to hear and she was totally honest with you. So what would she say to us today?
I received a card with a poem by Lynn New called Remember Me; it may not be how Elaine would put it but the sentiment would be the same.
No pain beyond, no tears, no fear.
No thought of death – for I’m still near.
No hugs I know, nor sweet caress,
But I’m still close to love and bless.
No quiet word, nor gentle touch
But don’t despair – I love you much.
No gesture kind to show I care,
The veil’s drawn, but I’m still there.
Grieve not too long – but look around
In earthly things I shall be found.
A falling leaf, a growing tree,
In every breeze you will find me.
I walk in life; death holds no pain.
Be reassured, we’ll meet again.
What wonderful memories Elaine has left us with.
On a recent shopping trip Elaine spotted a lovely coat that she said would suit me. I didn’t need it and had already spent too much that day, so because Elaine was ever practical and just a bit devious to ease my conscience she bought me the coat (this one actually) and I paid for lunch.
We went on the ‘Make Poverty History’ march round Edinburgh in 2005. So there we were all dressed in white, placards in hand, standing in the massive queue waiting to get started. We only went about 50 yards in an hour so we decided to leave saving the world to the rest of them and we went and had lunch instead. Elaine did like to do the right thing … but there were limits.
One of our favourite things to do was to eat big tubs of ice-cream. Do you see a food theme developing here? We loved our food!
I remember when Elaine and Karl lived in Etwall Street in Derby and we went to the fireworks display on Guy Fawkes Night in Markeaton Park. The only problem was it was so foggy that we could barely see the people in front of us, never mind the fireworks. So because we wouldn’t see each other that Christmas we went home and had a wonderful Christmas dinner with all the trimmings that Elaine had prepared! Although I will admit her cooking has improved ten-fold since then.
The night before Elaine & Karl were married Elaine & I shared a bed at 1 Mundy Street and we drew on each others backs just like we did as children. She has since told me that she tried to get Karl to do it but he wasn’t any good at it as he always wanted to play different games. Apart from the time, when unknown to Elaine he actually got out a marker pen and drew all over her back. Very typical of the way they lived their lives full of fun and mischief.
There were the holidays on Loch Lomond; I remember when Derek’s boat at the time only had room for three in the cabin. Usually Elaine, Christine & I sat in, whilst Derek, Karl & Allan stayed outside. One time, when we were travelling across the Loch, Elaine insisted on staying outside so she swapped places with Allan. About half way across a hail storm started. Elaine got pelted, later she told me it was actually really sore. But at the time we were bent over double laughing at her facial expressions. Luckily Elaine was the type to laugh at herself along with everyone.
Fireworks & karaoke at New Year, oh we loved to sing – badly. Our theme tune was ‘I love you baby and if it’s quite alright I need you baby’ with all my heart that is true today Elaine. She particularly loved to sing hymns at the top of her voice especially the ones that we are singing today. Whilst I was at church last Sunday we sang a hymn that gave me comfort and I’d like to share the last verse with you, (although I’ll spare you more of my singing).
Many that we loved have left us,
Reaching first their journey’s end;
Now they wait to give us welcome-
Brother, sister, child, and friend.
When at last our journey’s over,
And we pass away from sight,
Father, take us through the darkness
Into everlasting light.
Elaine was a very special person to me and I’m sure to you. You will all have your own memories that are in your heart. Holidays in Portugal, weekends away, Visiting Hotel Henderson in Buckhurst Hill. Gordon, this is the second time Elaine has had you in this church she was very chuffed the first time when you came with her. Ian, she recently talked fondly of how you looked out for her when her mum died, she was thankful to have you as a big brother.
I know that Ronnie & Laura were deeply grateful for the strength that Elaine gave them when Helen passed away. And there are others here that are very appreciative of Elaine’s emotional support and practical help in their own personal circumstance. She was a very giving person that made each of us feel that we were extra special to her.
Alan & Dionne grew very close to Elaine, Karl & Laura when they lived in Stevenage especially when baby Ella came along.
Elaine was very attached to lots of you here, through Laura’s school; the church & the hospital. She was very involved in the school as a Governor in charge of child protection, organising fund raising especially the mother’s day event. She told me how much she enjoyed the time you all camped out on the school grounds and it turned into a massive party. In the church she was the Tearfund representative. She was always in among the helpers for special lunches and Kids clubs.
Liz, she would want me to thank you for taking her under your wing. When the Henderson clan first moved to Buckhurst Hill Elaine phoned me and said that there was a toddler group in the church across the road and she was thinking about going. I encouraged her to go and straight away she clicked with you Liz. She would often chat about this charismatic lady and her love for Jesus. We came to realise that it is because Jesus just shines out of you, Liz. I thank the Lord that, through you, Elaine found God. She will know that Karl & Laura can lean on you & Chris.
Karl everyone could see that you and Elaine were soul mates, in fact so in tune with each other that it was almost scary. Elaine told me how much you feel at home at my mum & dad’s, Florette and Allan’s. My mum & I felt a lot better having you and Laura close to us over the past couple of weeks & it goes without saying that we love you very much. We want to, and I don’t doubt that we will, be with you and Laura as much as possible. I know that you are aware of mine & Elaine’s hopes and dreams, there is no reason for them not to become mine and yours now.
Laura you know that mum loves you more than anything and she was so very proud of you and I know that you will continue to make her proud. Your recent maths award was just one example of many that we would happily talk about for hours on the phone. You are her angel and now she is your’s.
In the end it was a hereditary heart disease that took her away from us. And she wanted to stress to everyone that there was nothing she or anyone else could do that was going to change that. Over the past two weeks there have been times where I have thought ‘I wish I said this’ or ‘we always meant to do that’. But there is no need for any of it. I wouldn’t change anything about the time that I had with Elaine.
I miss her terribly already, I feel so lonely, but I will always be her Wendy Tosh and she will always be my Lainey Puddle, with the Princess pinkies.
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