So now we’re in our 50’s

Looking back over old posts, conclusion: I was a bit obsessed with housework. Was I afeart someone would actually read my blog and judge me? How very narcissistic. And that secret blog I talked about, well I might be interested in reading what I felt the need to keep secret, but a secret it will remain as I haven’t a scooby where it is or how to access it. I did however, after 6 years? Get my password right first go to get into this (note to narcissistic self: I don’t think hackers are going to be rushing to break into your blog).

Thought I’d be more emotional reading the sad stuff, but life is much more devious than that. It hits you when you are going about your day, thinking that you’re doing okay then BAM! You’ve just been putting on a front and the plaster is ripped off exposing your lonely, weak, vulnerable, insecure yada yada yada.

Actually it’s very rare that I feel lonely, I like being alone. People who know me are surprised by this, even my oldest son, who is doing a Psychology degree, had me pinned in the extrovert camp. I can get up and talk in front of a room but put in a room of people where I have to mingle and chat takes effort and is quite frankly knackering. What I’m still lonely for and what had me in floods of tears out of nowhere  the other week, is missing that person that I could really be my true self with and share my innermost thoughts with - stuff you don’t even share with your husband.

So.... still a carer, funny how things like being made redundant from a job you thought was the best turns out to be a passport to an even better job. Also with our youngest at uni, we’re getting to concentrate on doing fun stuff more. Last weekend, the look on husbands face was priceless as he jumped into the mosh pit at a gig we were at the Queen margaret union. Not so much reliving our youth as doing the stuff together that we didn’t get round to before the offspring came along.

However as our parental responsibility diminishes, our responsibility to our parents increases. When you’re younger, you can’t wait for the freedom that comes when your children grow up but nobody warns you to be prepared for this stage of life. My mum passed away last year and we all knew that she ran the household and dad didn’t have a clue. Now that I’ve started this train of thought, I realise how selfish I sound, I’m not complaining about having to do stuff though, I thrive on being busy. But I’m fearful of where it’s going and if I’ll be able to handle my dad deteriorating to not recognising me. And here is where I’m being completely honest, at least I love him dearly but I struggle with doing stuff for my mother-in-law who wasn’t always the nicest to me in the past.

Any way I’m not completely not needed by my children, I’m currently being an emotional crutch to my youngest who was having a meltdown about coding he can’t do for a project due in on Monday. His head is out of the sand and we’re only at defcon 3 now that he’s finally tackling it.

Stop Press! I am blogging and I am actually happy!

Life is going well (touch wood). No moans or groans from me! What's up with me - ha ha. However looking at my first post I should be careful what I boast. It's interesting to look back at that unsuspecting (slightly smug) me of Summer 2006.

The sad bit - my wee brother lost his battle with alcohol and died in September last year. A whole host of emotions for all of the family, however we are doing okay. My parents are doing what wee old couples are supposed to do rather than worrying about getting phone calls from the police or hospital. We have all resumed our relationships with each other - and can get together to enjoy ourselves.

Hubby works hard, but we enjoy the time we have together and have a lot more freedom to have fun and go on holidays. The boys are all doing what they love - Footballer, Acting course at college and ... well the wee fella is in High School but he seems happy enough. And me ... late forties suit me well. A happy size 14 and acutally enjoying the gym (famous last words).

What am I doing back here...?

I have no idea why I decided to have a look at my blog after all this time. We have been out for a meal and, yes I've had a few drinks - Allan has fallen asleep on the chair next to me - nothing new. I am looking for my person to talk to and after all these years it's still Elaine. That's why I'm here, she was still alive when I started this blog lark and I'm back here looking for her... but of course she's not here. Not very entertaining for random passers by to read, but like that is going to bother me.
I have actually always found writing a good way to get things out my system, so feel free to skip past my rantings, nothing to see here...
We have always been considered a close family, by this I mean 'my side' but in recent years my brother's alcoholism has ripped us apart. Just when we think it can't get any worse - it does. I visited Steven's grave this week - the first time in years, searching for... I don't know what. I am still a Christian and trust in God.. My mum hung up the phone on me this week because I was ranting that she is enabling him to drink and for his good, she has to make him move out and go to rehab. He uses the fact that Steven died and threatens to kill himself all the time. She can't lose another son... it's so sad. He turned up at my church on Easter Sunday and flaked out in front of everyone.. I had to go and sit with him till the Worship ended and leave my own 12 year old son, who was upset, to be comforted by others.
The next day, he 'slit his wrist' when my older brother and my nephew visited mum and dad. When the ambulance arrived they just rolled their eyes at him - sick of the sight of him.
Where do we go from here?

It's been a while!

Why? This is the first time in a long while that I've not had anything that urgently needs doing! The boys have a few days off school so I've taken a few days off too, for no reason whatsoever. However it is very hard to force myself to do nothing and not think of it as wasting precious time.
Hubby, Allan is at work, Fraser is away to the pitches with his pals, Gavin is out playing with his pals and Robert is on his iPod -this sounds like a Tweet. In fact I stumbled upon the Twitter blog which is how I ended up here.
It would have been Elaine's 45th birthday tomorrow. Loobs is on a ski trip and Karl & June are on their honeymoon! They got married EK last weekend. It was a lovely day and Karl had pulled out all the stops. Do you know what? Elaine would have wanted him to, their wedding was on a shoe-string and Elaine always talked about if they were to do it again it would be all singing and dancing. Of course they didn't get the chance but, although it was difficult at times, well done to Karl and June (and Laura) she would be very proud. Cousin Alan's speech was perfect too, clever that he got us all crying without actually spelling out why. Also very funny, in the car the other day, Gavin said that Alan was his favourite man as he was very funny and he really enjoyed his story about the helmets and staple guns! Sorry Allan - I'm sure he's just mixing 'favourite man' up with 'best man'.

A difficult / fun weekend?

It's supposed to be fun, girlfriends going to see a show in the big L. I desperately want it to be E, I need to tell her, this seems like a poor substitute. My face is leaking badly this week, but I'm not meant to admit it. It's like a selfish indulgence, 'woe is me, for I am going to Elaine's house but her mules will not be sitting in the hall'. I have got to get a grip! Especially with J being with us. I'd better lay off the alcohol (re:A's 30th etc), well maybe not completely. I hope I get to know her a little bit better (J - that is), but with P around she won't get a word in. we shall see.
My holiday spot has appeared, how does it know? Every time, two days before I go anywhere, my chin feels tight and I know it will be in it's full glory for the day of departure. I'd better attempt sleep again, it's late and I still have to get up to put the boys to school.

One year on...

This time last year we were all wondering how we would ever get any sleep - the night before Elaine's funeral. It still doesn't seem real in a way. I was clearing out some space on my camera today and there she was, right in front of me trying to get a ball in a basket at Louden Castle. Even although I have several copies stored I just can't delete her off the camera.
I had an extremely wobbly moment at church last Sunday. The hymn that I had taken a verse from to use in her tribute was sung. It caught me completely off guard. As we sat down to pray I knew I wouldn't be able to control my sobs so I grabbed my coat & bag and bolted for the door. I spent the day in my room in a sort of mini rerun of last year. I must of caused a bit of a fuss as even the minister phoned to see if I was O.K.
So how was Christmas & New Year? I'm ashamed to admit I've been in a bit of a bad mood. As it turns out The flu was working on me and I've been floored since Monday and so completely missed out on the New Year celebrations. Nobody can say how you should react and of course I would never ruin it for everyone else. It will get better, I know.... just not this year.

Where have I been?

I think I'm ready to admit that I have a secret Blog. Well that's maybe a bit cryptic, I have a journal that I have only given my coordinator the details of. Who is my coordinator? He's the minister that C of S has appointed to me to help me discern how I can best serve God. The only thing is I'm eight weeks into it and I feel that I'm going round in circles a bit. C of S are asking if I'm ready to move to the next stage of assessment, which clearly I'm not. However some avenues have opened up, I'm just not quite there yet. One thing is for sure, I'll not be returning to where I was before. In fact I can't because I'm a different person now, not better or worse just different.

The whole thing about life and death and Elaine and why we are so shocked when death happens has got a lot to do with it. I think that it will never get me like that again (maybe ... until the next time). But I'm not going to stand still and wait for it. I'm going to try to serve my purpose, which has got a lot do with sharing the hope that I have with others.

It's not just about getting up, going to work, coming home, eating dinner, watching T.V and going to bed. That's as much as I have worked out so far, so you see I still have a long way to go. I'm kidding, but if you want any more you'll need to find my secret Blog.